It has been several years since I have taken ballet classes on a regular basis. I’ve wanted to get back in shape and dance again for quite a while, but until I graduated, I just haven’t had the time. Now that I’m finished with school, I’m lucky enough to have moved to an apartment only a few blocks away from a ballet studio, so if I wanted I could take class every day, several times a day.

I was very nervous about taking my first real class in almost four years. At a new studio, where I didn’t know a single person, it would have been very easy for me to become intimidated by the uncertainty of it all.

So many “what-ifs” ran through my mind as I stretched before class started. What if I’m not good enough? What if I can’t make it through class? What if my technique has gone down the drain? What if the teacher doesn’t like me?

Class started, as most ballet classes do, with pliés. Already I could feel my muscles protesting. My hips were cramping from years of not using my turn-out, my knees were cracking with each grande plié. By tendus - only the second combination at barre - I was dripping sweat. I felt like I was going to black out when we got to ronde de jambes, and grande battements proved my theory that any flexibility I once had is now nowhere to be seen.

By centre, my body was shaking from the exertion of pushing my self harder than I have in a long while. The adagio was almost painful - I couldn’t keep my balance, and my legs refused to dévelopée to the height that they should have been.

By petite allegro (small jumps), I had to step to the side of the class. My stamina, my asthma, and my knees all refused to allow me to do anything further in class.

Yet despite all the aches and pains and things that I couldn’t do, I had the happiest smile on my face the entire way home. The joy and freedom I feel when dancing is the most wonderful feeling in the world.

*******

It’s amazing how quickly everything can come back to you. Only a week later, after taking classes almost every day and working my little butt off in every one of them, I can make it through an entire class without feeling like I’m going to collapse if I do grande allegro (which is undoubtedly my favorite part of the entire class). My flexibility is almost back to where it once was, and the strength, the balance, the technique, and the stamina are all building back up to where they should be.

Now, instead of focusing entirely on just making it through each exercise, I can concentrate on improving my technique. Instead of worrying about my knees collapsing when I do a tour jeté or a sotéchat, I can leap and fly across the floor like I once loved to do. Even adagio (my least favorite combination) has become a joy to do.

*******

All my fears were completely unfounded. I may not be the best dancer in the classes, but with all the years of training behind me, I’m certainly not the worst either. I may not have made it through the first couple of classes, but nobody seemed to mind. The teachers understood that I haven’t danced in quite some time, and they have been incredibly supportive and helpful at every class. My technique… I shouldn’t have worried one bit about my technique. It’s almost like riding a bicycle… after a few years off you might not have the strength or stamina to ride as fast or as far as you once did, but you’ll never forget how to ride.

Perhaps I was meant to take a break from ballet. Losing all my strength, stamina, and flexibility and then working so hard to get it all back has given me a better appreciation of what dance means to me. Nowadays, class is no longer just work, sometimes even unpleasant work, like it was in my high school days. No… instead, every class is a performance. Pure joy. Utter freedom. The best feeling in the world.